My speaking engagement

Recently I was asked to do a class for a group of singles. Of course, what they really wanted was to find out about themselves through their writing. This group was an older group with some widows and widowers and really balanced people. One had a learning disability which she shared with the group and when I mentioned having done the writing, on a cruise, of a man with essential tremors another lady said she suffered from them as well.
One of the men told us before his wife would date him she insisted on getting his handwriting. He laughed and said he must have passed because they had many happy years together before she died.
Only one person had a totally illegible signature and wanted to know what that indicated. I told her it could be that she signed a lot of papers so just didn't take the time to make it legible. But it can also mean not wanting to take responsibility for the work. The bad part about an illegible signature is that in a business it becomes recognized and everyone knows who it is anyway.
Luckily there was enough variety in this group to cover a lot of information. We did everything from thinking styles to the air strokes that lightly show on the paper. One person said she did the capital I Roman style and sometimes the air stroke squiggled across the I stem. I told her this is considered one (but more have to be present) sign of suicide. But that I have found it most often means at the time of the writing the writer was setting aside his or her desires for those of another. She agreed that was quite possible as she has many demands upon her time.
Since it was originally booked as a class I had done hand-outs on graphology that represented a crash course so I hope they are intrigued enough to ask me back again. One thing for sure a 1 and a 1/2 hr talk ended up being over 2 hrs with all the questions so I think they had a good time.

Impulse Control

Yesterday I watched some daytime TV and it all seemed to be on the violence of today's teens. I've heard all the arguments pro and con on the violence in the video games and if it has an effect on today's society and how anyone can say no is beyond me. I've heard that video games allow people to vent their frustrations in ways that don't harm anyone but does it? One group of boys said that actually doing what they had been doing on the games was so much more thrilling and an adrenalin rush can be as addicting as any drug. When the rush is obtained by skateboarding, bunge jumping, snowboarding or another sport that is ok but not when it involves damaging property or hurting another human being. Two girls were featured because of a fight at school each claiming the other started it. The mother of one was in the audience and very angry while the other didn't even show up because of her anger. The psychologist on the show talked to the girls and it turned out while they were mad at each other at the time of the incident it only escalated because the "friends" of one girl shoved her so she appeared to be attacking the other. The students wanted to see a fight.
Impulse control starts with good parenting and having consequences for our actions. Then there were the subliminal messages of handwriting along with the not so subliminal messages of Sunday School and church. We were taught to follow the 10 Commandments and the Golden Rule and say the Pledge of Allegiance in school. Now because it includes "under God" I'm not even sure they say it in school.
As for consequences in school it seems now the only consequence is suspension and it is used freely where I live. What ever happened to being sent to the principal and then facing the wrath of your parents when you got home? We were more afraid of them than the principal who gave us study hall detention where you did extra homework. At home it meant anything from loss of allowance to forced labor around the house or yard. Now kids don't even have chores in some homes or parents who care in others. As for school because they get paid per student in class if you miss roll-call you are in more trouble than if you ditch so guess what students choose. One boy I know quit school in 7th grade because he was in detention more than class and in their detention unlike study hall you were allowed no pencil, papers or books. You just spent the time learning what jail was like...boring. Now he is too old to go to a charter school and works in fast food barely making enough to live. He's been programmed by our school system to fail and is doing a good job of it.
I worked for a short time in a video store and was appalled at the games and videos parents allowed their children to check out. The same with movies. I have been to movies where the violence and sex let alone the language was so prevalent and seen children as young as 2 or 3. The parents if asked say they don't understand what's going on. Yeah, that's why they curse like sailors by the time they go to school. Even my 3 yr old great-grand-daughter the other day said "god, damn it" the other day when she dropped something. Her mother's favorite choice of word.
At her age they may not understand what they say but they know when to curse. As for the older one her father went for counseling when he realized her temper tantrums were a reflection of his actions. Children do what they see good or bad. Children need discipline and boundaries in their life and the hard part is not going too far or just as bad not going far enough.

I'm hoping until the school gets hold of my grand children to teach them to control those impulses that will get them into trouble and use the ones that make them happy, caring individuals who want to make a place for themselves in the world.

This again is where toxic words can come into play. Since I take care of my great-grand-daughters at least 4 days a week I am trying to not say don't but to use stop. Then rather than saying you can't do that. To say you will get hurt or you will hurt someone else by doing that. One grand-daughter pinches and the other one bites so these habits must be broken before school though I strongly suspect the one who pinches learned that in pre-school. Both girls go through periods when they want to be babied again because they have a new baby sister who seems to get all of the attention. When this happens I try to give them a kiss and a hug or a rock in the big chair. They are even satisfied if I bring the baby out so I can watch them on the swing or in the wading pool. At my age I an even happy to lay down with them and watch cartoons and they are willing to share me this way.
Both girls know their alphabet and the oldest can write hers. I was surprised at how well the younger one can follow the letters on a practice page. Though I don't know why because as a second child she has always thought she could do whatever big sister did and believing it does.

Penmanship

Back when our country was started and few people went to school for more than a few years it was important to learn to write. Gradually types of handwriting developed that actually could tell you what the writer's profession was,secretary, butcher, etc. I've no idea when penmanship started in school but well remember working to perfect those push and pulls and the running tunnel of circles. Then the letters of the alphabet themselves some loope and some retraced.
Actually like the letters themselves these exercises taught us restraint and control. It was much easier then to get the idea of writing when the desk was slightly angled. As long as you grasped the concept of left and right it followed that the front edge of the desk was the top. Now with flat desks and teachers who are likely to point to examples of the alphabet around the room and say your letters should look like these it can be hard for a child to learn to write. So many get little or no help at home from parents too busy or too tired to care.
If properly held the pen or pencil will not cause the hand or arm to become tired or cramped after just a few lines. And some exercises can not only be fun but help the child to learn better. Danielle DuMount in France teaches children with rhythm and fun and they quickly learn they can write after all. She has them hold a ribbon and make patterns such as a running line of small loops, next a running line of tall loops. Then make a short and a tall loop across. Next try this on a chalkboard or paper. Suddenly there is a line of letters which in French is le and a word. A set of short waves, a set of tall waves (or cups), a set of short and tall and suddenly another word, it.
Also this sort of exercise can be a big help in other ways. A series of e's and l's, becausethey are soft and rounded, is relaxing and calming while a series of connected w's (especially the pointed ones tho both work) sharpens the focus of the mind. Never overdo these exercises one line is enough and too much has the opposite effect.

Personality and handwriting

When does your personality develop? Believe it or not before we learn to talk. A baby makes demands according to their needs. How those needs are met, or not, start to set the personality. When a child's needs are met promptly and they are talked to in a pleasant manner the child will be more genial than one whose needs are not met. Or one who is badly treated by the parents or caregivers.

So by the time children start school they pretty much are on their way to their full personality. It is just reinforced or exacerbated by teachers and the other adults and children they meet.

One reason for sibling rivalry is because the younger children get compared to the older ones. Also the older ones suddenly are not only not the center of attention but anything they have outgrown, clothes and toys, go to the new arrival. So it is important the parents make them feel part of taking care of the baby. To make the child understand they are not replaced and that they don't really need or use the old stuff anyway. So why not give it to the baby. With a choice of something new in place of something they no longer need most children learn to be generous and giving.

Then there are the toxic words I have already discussed. We use them on ourselves, unknowingly to our detriment as well. But think how much worse they are to a child who thinks a parent raises the moon and stars. They can become angry, or fearful, rebellious toward authority and we are at fault aided by others such as teachers or relatives. Even strangers who do not like children and always find fault with them.

The driving force behind our personality is our fears. How we cope with those fears through defense mechanism's, resistances and escapes completes the rest of the personality. The myriad of fears, defenses, resistances and escapes are why we are as individual in personality as we are in our fingerprints.

More on Toxic Words

Toxic words cut into the ego even when we use them on ourselves so imagine how much worse it is on a child who looks up to you and wants to please you. I mentioned some of them in my last blog but there are others. Let me list the words and how they cut.
but - negates what you said before so even if it was praise you have just taken it back or worse
if - presupposes you may not succeed setting YOU up for failure be it a child or yourself
would have - draws attention to what didn't happen nullifying what did happen
should have - not only draws attention but implies guilt because it didn't happen
could have - tries to take credit for what didn't happen and ignore what did happen
try - not only presupposes failure it gives permission to fail!
might - leaves options for the listener not definitive answers
can't or don't - forces focus on the opposite of what you want
True story:
A boy and his cousin were playing in the yard and climbing trees when a storm blew in. The aunt called out to her son "Don't fall!" while the boy's father yelled "Hang on!" The boy hung on tightly to the limb and was ok but the cousin fell and broke his arm because the brain first has to figure what is supposed to be done before it can interpret not to do it.
On a little league team there was a pop ball to an area of the field with the weakest player. Dad yelled at him "Don't drop it!" but the coach yelled "Catch it!" What do you think happened? Well luckily the coach was louder and closer and the kid caught the ball. They didn't win the game but think how proud that boy was that he actually caught the ball.
If you get into the habit of watching what you say to yourself maybe you will be better about toxic words to your child so both of you will benefit. If you stop wondering what if or I should have after making decisions you will find you are less indecisive as well as that you have stopped tearing your ego down.

Tagging

I find facinating becausethe main thing you see in it is need. A need for attention, for affection, for family and for love and a gang is not the place to find any of that. Tagging also starts in the teen or even pre-teen years and again shows the need and vulnerability of the tagger. The kids take on a "tag" or nickname so you know who the tagging belongs to and one I found really vulnerable was named Devine. Big fluffy pillowy letters that leaned into each other for support but always surrounded in some way. The two most memorable...one surrounded by directional arrows pointed every which way, the other a bramble bush with long sharp thorns. So telling in its symbolism.

Every once in a while one of these artists will find a way to go to a graphic arts school and make something of their talent because there can be real artistic talent among taggers. But how much work is there if you only have 1 or 2 styles of graphics. The biggest problem would be to get the artist to study other ways or methods of art. To learn how to produce a saleable piece of work. Most of them do their kind of artwork because they are protesting something. They don't want to be tied down with rules and follow directions even though they would give everything if their art was recognized. They are so busy fighting for freedom they can't see how learning properly would free them. Would give them the tools for a better life, to possibly become a money making artist. But first they need to learn some discipline, to proportion their drawings properly, to work even when they may not want to because there is a deadline. Maybe even learn a new technique that would work better. Most of all they would have to be come accountable to someone else, to them a fate worse than death. Well kids, wait until you have a family to support or even just yourself. You can only go from friend to friend mooching or panhandling on the street which can be really dangerous. Then you have to grow up and why work at a low paying job you hate when with a little effort you may get a job you can enjoy using your talents.

Toxic words

Most of us perpetuate, without realizing it, thoughts and actions by treating our children and others as we were treated growing up. Not to say this is always a bad thing especially if we were raised in a nurturing family. We all have heard that abuse engenders abuse and how many of us as teens have said when I have children I will never do that to my kids. Only to find as a parent they do the same things mom and dad did. If this something is making them hold to a curfew, do chores, be responsible well great. These things need to be learned and followed. But the parent that uses toxic words or goes overboard on punishments, even if it is just timeouts, is fostering that use in their child and this we don't want to pass on to future generations.
Lets look at toxic words, just simple everyday words we all use but oh how they can poison a child's mind. Always...now stop and think about it, no one always anything. It's just, at that moment in time you think of how often they do something they were told not to do and forget how often they do right. Next is never...again no one never listens, never follows instructions, never does things right or whatever you are chastizing them for. Stop to think do you always or never do things?
How about but? Do you praise a child for something only to take it away by saying but? But why can't you do that all the time? But why didn't you do that the first time? Only a three letter word and it can do so much damage. And, yes, I nearly said but it can do so much damage.
And remember would'a, could'a, should'a, we often say these things about something we messed up and yes even then they are derogatory but to a child would, could and should can cut the self-esteem down so very badly.
Worst of all we don't mean to inflict damage to their ego but in frustration, anger or the heat of the moment it happens. We speak out without a thought of the message we are giving out to our children. And while we are on the subject think of your own ego. These same words are just as toxic to us and maybe if we learn to use other words in their place we won't be so quick to use them on the children.
When you want to say "You did great today but" why not say "I'm really proud of what you did today" and leave it at that. Or how about "that was great do you remember just how you did that?" This will tell them you are proud of them and reinforce to remember just what made it so great. As for yourself if you mess up and especially if its not the first time then tell yourself "I really need to slow down and do this the proper way next time because I really do know how to do it."